The timer is set.
no frou-frou fonts, other than the header of this blog; no crazy design. no break in thought. just constant, streaming from my head to my heart to my fingers. you get the full-on experience of the paths that make up lisa's neuron paths on to this blog. maybe you'll care. maybe you wont.
no real reason as to why words aren't capitalized that should be capitalized. the only thing is that this is how I know how to breathe. I know how to breathe when i take my head up from the water of work, of business, of life, and lay it down on a pillow and just type. it does my body good. it's no race against the clock to see how many words I can get down at one time. it's just writing. eyes closed, hoping my fingers hit the keys they've been trained to hit since i was 8 years old.
maybe you will read this. maybe you won't. maybe you'll just find this weird; but the truth of the matter is that it isn't for you. it's for me. one of my favorite professors in college had us do this a lot. if we couldn't think of words to say, we were instructed just to write "blah blah blah blah blah" until a thought struck our fancy and we were told to write about that. stream of consciousness writing. some of it turned out pretty good. othertimes, i felt myself longing just to type "asdfghjkl;ahsjkdi;laenil;dalkj" until a profound thought struck. but I've strarted to realized over the years that sometimes it's not the profound words that strike. sometimes words just strike and we have no idea whether they're profound or not until we step back and take a look at what we've written.
so this is how I know how to breathe. this is my reprieve from a long, busy workday in which i feel like I'm drowning. I'm drowning.
my creativity is stifled. I feel like I'm starting to become someone I didn't want to be, but part of me doesn't know if it's just the fact that i'm completely out of my comfort zone. That I'm doing something completely different than I thought I "should" be doing.
i need to get out of "should be, would be, could be" thought patterns. They're disruptive to where I am. they make me think about different choices i would have had. they make me question and re-question my motivations for doing the stuff i'm currently doing. they don't keep me in the patterns of life. they don't keep me in the now. They keep me in the past, in the future. one foot in each. and as someone i know and love dearly says, "if you have one foot in the past and one in the future, you're pissing on the present." and that's what it feels like. maybe my sudden dissatisfaction with what's going on right now at work isn't because there are truly bad things happening at work, but it is because i feel that i am not living up to my 'potential,' that my talents are being wasted. i've allowed those little lies to slip into my brain, thining, "I'm too good for this. I don't need you or this." when truly, I couldnt' imagine a better boss, better coworkers, and a better work environment. I have people helping me learn how to do simple tasks simply because this isn't my background.
just because i don't have a background in something doesn't mean i can't be good at it.
maybe, whenever i get restless, i need to breathe and realize that i'm exactly where I need to be; i'm doing exactly what i need to be doing.
And there goes the alarm.
Goodnight.
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